The Sleeping Lion

One evening, I was standing in queue behind one of the array of counters of the Tesco supermarket at Gallions Reach. A guy, who had an ethnic Mallu face came running towards the counter. Gasping for breath he found his way through the crowd of trolleys and people.
‘Two packs of condoms and two M size underwears please.’ He shouted at the Tesco employee who sat at counter.
‘What?’ The employee was embarrassed.
‘Condoms? Underwear?’ He repeated his question.
‘Go! Get it from the store and come back here for billing.’
‘I’m in a hurry. Please? Help!!!’
‘I said; go get it from the store.’ The employee gave a stare pointing his finger towards the store.
‘Fucking hell! Okay, I’ll be back.’ He ran into the store. I felt a slight Mallu accent somewhere in his words which quickly came and went. It wasn't deliberately hidden but wasn't too obvious either.
‘Hurry-Burry for fucking pieces of condoms… Crazy people, wasting my time.’ The employee mumbled. Why would a guy be so confident but too desperate for condoms? Wouldn’t you be curious? So was I.

I dropped my shopping trolley and ran behind him to Store.
‘Hello Mate!’ I found him searching at a rack in the pharmacy section.
‘Yes?’ He answered without looking at me.
‘I can help you find what you are searching for. I heard you at the counter.’
‘Yes, you did? Do you work here?’
‘No.’
He paused his search for a moment and looked at me.
‘What do you want?’ He gave me a curious-stubborn look.
‘I want to help you find the condoms.’
‘That’s not what I asked. If you don’t work here in Tesco, why would you want to help me?’
‘You are a Mallu, aren't you?’
‘What?’
‘Are you from Kerala, India?’
‘No! Now, fuck off.’
I gave him a I-know-you’re-a-mallu look. He ignored me.

After 5 mins of searching he got very restless. He couldn’t find any condoms.
‘Do you know where the condoms are?’ He looked at me again.
‘Yes.’
‘Where?’
‘I won’t tell you.’
‘C’mon. Please… Okay!! I’m sorry. I need to get out of here as soon as possible. Please understand. I would really appreciate your help.’
‘You need to tell me why you’re so desperate. ...just curious, that’s all.,' I shrugged 'You are searching for condoms as if you’re searching for aspirins for headache.’
‘My friend and I are going to Edinburgh.’ He replied as he kept searching.
‘Your girlfriend, huh?’
‘No he’s a guy.’
‘Ah I see…’ I gave him a naughty smile.
‘I’m not gay. We are taking two girls with us. My friend is waiting in the car and we’re on the way to pick them up.’
‘Ohh Ok!’ I pretended as if I was relieved.
‘What?’
‘Ohh nothing, just wondering, how lucky you and your friend are.’
‘I wouldn’t be that lucky if we’re late to pick the girls. You can’t trust these girls. It’s very difficult to keep them happy. They may change their mind any time. We need to go get them as soon as possible. Where are the condoms?’
‘You’re searching at the wrong place. It’s this side. See… Durex, Mates… Which one?’ You shouldn’t mess too much with a guy who is looking for condoms. He could be dangerous. I picked one from each for him.
‘Thanks!’ He snatched both and ran towards the counters.
‘Hey wait, forgot about the underwear?’ I called him back.
‘Ohh Shit! I almost forgot. Where can I find the underwears?’ He came back running.
‘Upstairs! Come with me.’

‘So, what’s the story about the underwears?’ I asked him while we searched for his M size under wears.
‘Fresh Underwears, best results!! You need to be neat and tidy.‘  He advised, ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’He took two packs one for himself and the other one for his friend. We walked back.
‘No! Not yet. I may need to find one.’ I replied.
‘Hmmm… No deer would run into the mouth a sleeping lion.’ He quoted.
‘What?’ I wasn't immediately clear to me what he meant.
‘I said, no deer would run into the mouth a sleeping lion. If you need one, YOU need to go get one.’ He walked away towards the “quick billing” counter and I walked in search for my shopping trolley.

I waited in the queue deeply contemplating about the sleeping lion inside me. Said correctly, I thought, good quote. Why didn't I think about it before? I should wake up. 'WAKE UP!!!' I screamed aloud. Everyone around me looked worried. They stared at me. I smiled and bent my head down in shame. That's when I thought, lions do not bend their head down like that. I immediately looked up to see if there were any good deers around me. There were none except for a few antique pieces on wheelchairs. The others were taken.

Miami Beach to Washington DC

Walking up and down the streets in the town of Brecon in Wales on a cold Christmas night, we finally found ourselves smiling at the sight of a pub that was open. There was an old but beautiful English lady at the counter.

‘Can I have a double Glenfidich please?’ Shijo, the perfect gentlemen in the group, asked.
‘Sorry?’
‘A double Glenfidich.’
‘We don’t have that sir.’
‘How about Laphroaig?’
‘What?’
‘Laphroaig?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Laa… Phro…Aig!!!’
‘We don’t have that either, I’m afraid.’
‘Hmmm… Glenmorangie, Talisker, Glenlevit. Anything?’
‘No!’
‘Okay! What malt whiskey do you have?’
‘Malt whiskey? We don’t do any Malt whiskeys here, I’m sorry.’
‘You’re kidding me. No Malt whisky?’
‘I’m sorry, not in this Pub.’
‘Jesus! I can’t believe it; a Pub with no single malt whisky.’ Shijo was so upset that he took a step back from the counter, turned around and came straight towards the table where we were trying to make ourselves comfortable.

‘What’s the matter?’ Kuppi was surprised to see Shijo coming empty handed.
‘They don’t have any good whisky.’ Shijo exclaimed.
‘What do they have?’
‘Maybe… Jack Daniels. That’s all.’
‘Huh!! Bloody fuckers who used to stand hours in the queue at the Beverages to get OMR*, OCR*, Honeybee*, Bejoy’s* and even Manavatti* now have trouble seeing a bottle of Jack Daniels.’ Kuppi looked at Shijo with a frown of contempt.
‘Aliya… Don’t say that, that’s not the case here. This is not Kerala. This is Wales.’
‘But you are the same - Shijo, The Koothara Shijo.’
‘Yes.’
‘Now, shut the fuck up. Go! Get us Jack Daniels.’

Hours passed and we made quite a few friends at the Pub.
‘Hello Mate! Merry Christmas, you need help?’ Shijo shouted at a guy who looked lost.
‘Merry Christmas guys!! I’m looking for the toilet. Could you please help?’
‘I guess it’s that way.’ All the four of us said that at the same time pointing our fingers in four different directions.
‘Thanks guys!! I’ll find my way.’ He walked away.

Another fellow called Mike, with a big perfectly round beer belly and a cowboy hat, introduced himself to us. He was probably a little taller than 5 5’ and looked to be roughly 40 years of age. He wore a round neck with blue faded Armani jeans.
He said, ‘Cheers guys!’ lifting the glass of Guinness beer in left hand ‘I’m impressed by the number of drinks coming to this table.’
‘We own this table tonight, that’s why.’ I said.
‘Hmm… I can see that. Youngsters …enjoying Christmas. Huh! Where are you guys from?’
‘I am from Koothattukulam. Nice to meet you.’ Shijo extended his hands.
‘Sorry?’ Mike looked surprised.
‘Koo… tha… ttu… kulam. It’s a small town like Brecon back in Kerala, India.’ Sandeep clarified.
‘Ahh I See. You’re from India.’
‘Yes. Koothattukulam in Kerala is like Birmigham in England.’
‘How is that?’ Mike was curious.
‘See… you take some insensible word and add a kulam to it.’
‘Kulam!’ Mike smiled.
‘Yes, add Kulam. It becomes a place’s name in Kerala. For example, Ernakulam, Thiruvankulam, Koothattukulam etc. In the same way, if you take insensible word and add a Ham to it, it becomes a place’s name in England. Birmingham,  Totenham, Twikenham, Dagenham.’ Sandeep gave a stale smile to emphasise his finding.
‘Ah! I see….’ Mike tried to smile but looked pretty annoyed.

A few minutes passed and we got engaged in a quick chit-chat with Mike until Sandeep interrupted again.
‘Mike!! How many kilometres from Miami beach to Washington DC?’
‘I don’t know. Probably a few thousand miles… Why?’ Mike questioned.
‘No no… I am the answer, I am the answer.’ Sandeep shouted happily.
‘What?’
‘Kilometres and kilometres… in these days of degenerating decency of Miami beach to Washington DC when diplomacy and duplicity become interchangeable from complicated America to Americaaaa!! Ha ha ha…’ Sandeep laughed.
Mike looked pretty confused. ‘Is this guy drunk?’
‘No no… I am not. Ha ha ha…’ Sandeep laughed at his own stupidity.

The Jack Daniels inside him made things uncontrollable and he couldn’t stop laughing. He lost his balance from the chair and fell down at Mike’s feet bringing down the table on top of him. He got drenched in three other glasses of Jack Daniels that were kept on top of the table. He simply couldn’t stop laughing. He rolled on the floor crawling like a baby and laughing. Mike ran away from the Pub.

The Mystery Van

You’re somewhere in East London and its a few minutes past midnight. The streets are calm and deserted. Occasionally, you may find a fox or two sprinting across the street from one side to the other. The only sound you may hear is the alarm call of a squirrel or a chopper flying by. Very few people may be interested in coming out into the streets at this time of the night. The empty walkways not only look haunting but the temperature has dropped below the freezing point making it difficult to take a walk.

A big white Mercedes van, categorized as an HMV (Heavy Motor Vehicle) by the government, is parked at Ashford Road. The driver’s cabin is empty and the storage area behind it cannot be viewed through the windscreen as the view is blocked by a thick wooden wall behind the front-row seats.

Occasionally, the vehicle shakes violently and then rests calmly for sometime and then the shaking repeats all over again followed by continuous thumping sound. A loud screaming voice comes out of it and then fades away. A few moments later it’s repeated again. A scared but shivering female voice cries out as if in great agony but the aching throat doesn’t get the sound out clearly. There is this terrible feeling that someone is being choked to death inside this mystery van.

Someone who was pretty curious and had felt uncomfortable with this van might have informed the police. A few cops turned up and positioned themselves silently at various locations around the van.

Suddenly the sound of breaking glass inside the van lets everything calm down. There are conversations heard from inside in some unknown language. Someone slides open the door of van from inside. A hefty six foot guy, with red swollen eyes and a truck-driver moustache shows up.

A cop who was crouching in the darkness a few feet away takes his eyes off this man’s face for a moment to see what’s inside the van. He gets a glimpse of someone lying on the floor. The door closes behind the man immediately. The cop couldn’t figure out if the body was that of a male or a female but he is sure the body is lying in a pool of blood.

The guy, who got out from the van, looks casually into the darkness where the cop was hiding himself. Without losing a moment he takes something out of his pocket and the policeman is not clear if it was a gun or a knife.

‘FREEEEEZZZZEEEE!!! Drop your weapon now, right now. Put your hands up in the air.’ Three flood lights are pointed at this guy who looks pretty confused. He raises his hands obeying to what he has been commanded to do.

Two cops carefully take their steps towards him one pointing a taser gun and the other one probably a real one. One cop handcuffs the big man the other one carefully opens the door of the van and to find what’s inside.

Here are their findings…

Four suspects; all drunk; one on the floor. The van has been improvised into a bar and they were drinking Old Monk Rum (OMR) imported from Kerala, India. The rum was being served with Nettoli Fry, Kakka Irachi and Kappa Biriyani (all delicious spicy kerala dishes) – Take Away from Thattukada, East Ham. The suspects were talking in Malayalam and that’s why probably we got confused. Kuppi, one of the suspects, was singing an old Malayalam song (akale akale neelakasham). That explains the screaming female sound the other noise, the chorus. Kuppi later dozed off on the floor exposing his sexy thighs through the Lungy he was wearing.

Shijo, another suspect had dropped his drink on the floor of the van and that explains the sound of the breaking glass and the ‘pool of blood’ (rum & coke) around the body.

Why did the guy who came out of the van take his knife out?
His name is Kuttappayi. He had come out to take a wee under the tree. Not a weapon; it was his dick in his hands. That’s why he couldn’t drop it when we asked him to do so.

Tree, Lake and a Suzuki

A heavy bumpy jerk and violent shaking of the world around woke me up from my afternoon slumber. When opened my eyes, I found myself on the left-side front seat of Sam’s Suzuki Vitara.
‘Oh my god!! What the fuck just happened?’ I looked at the expanse of blue sky through the windscreen. I could feel the sudden chill of the cold wind blowing on my neck from the broken window on my left side. I couldn’t see no road anymore.

‘Oh Jesus!! I am bleeding… My nose.’ Kabeer cried from the back seat.
‘Good to know that you both are you alive. Why the fuck didn’t you wear the seat belt?’ Sam shouted at Kabeer from the driver’s seat.
‘What happened?’ I questioned again.
‘We have finally reached The Lake District but, listen carefully, don’t dare to move your ass. My best guess is that we’re stuck among the branches of a tree. We may fall down into the lake below if the tree gives up. So don’t even dare to fart.’ Sam sounded like a lieutenant colonel of the British Army fighting for the WMD cause in Iraq.
‘Wholly Shit!!! You bloody mother fucker…’ Kabeer was surprised at Sam’s answer.
‘I said, don’t move.’ Sam replied in a cold and controlled way.
‘I can’t move, anyway. I guess I have a broken back as well. Oh My God!! How on earth did you get us here?’
‘I slept. I fell asleep on the wheel. I guess I had been sleeping for a while until my forehead slowly went and pressed against the horn. I woke up listening to the honking of our own car. I was a little early to apply the brakes. If not we could’ve gone straight off the cliff into the chilling lake missing all these trees.’
‘Wonderful!!! You saved our lives. Great Sam! You’re a fucking saviour.’ I streched my neck without moving my ass to have a look at the lake below. ‘It’s so beautiful.’
‘Get me out of here fucking jerks.’ Kabeer cried.
‘Shut the fuck up, don’t cry like a kid. I’m calling the emergency services.’ Sam dismissed.

Sam’s phone was already dead for the low battery; mine was in the baggage inside the boot of the car; Kabeer’s phone wasn’t working after it flew and hit the roof during the course of the accident. Sam tried fixing Kabeer’s phone as I watched the beauty of the lake and the mountains and Kabeer was mourning over his nose.

An hour passed.
‘I don’t think we’ll get that phone working. What if nobody finds us?’ Kabeer questioned.
‘We’ll sit here until someone finds us.’ I said.
‘It’s fucking cold, why don’t you switch the heater on?’ Kabeer suggested
‘Did you just say that? You crazy fuck? Didn’t I say that you’re not supposed to move even your finger, you understand? Forget about switching the engine on.’ Sam shouted.
‘Oh!!! My legs are cramped. Do you have to switch the engine on to start the heater?’
‘Some cars allow you to suck the heat out of your own ass without switching the engine on but not this one.’ Sam finally concluded that conversation.

Another hour passed.
‘Why is everyone so silent? Is anybody dead?’ I said.
‘Not yet, someone soon will be.’ Kabeer quoted.
‘Check the phone again. Do you find any signal?’
‘Nope!!’
‘Hmmm…’ I mumbled, ’The lake is so beautiful and the sunset is going to be even more beautiful.’
‘I can’t see anything from here. Explain me how it looks. At least I can see The Lake District through your eyes before I die.’ Kabeer expressed his concern.
‘It’s ringing. Phone is ringing. Everybody quiet!!’ Sam shouted.

‘Emergency services!!! Can I have your post-code please?’
‘We’re hanging from the branches of a tree and there is no post-code here, I’m afraid.’ Sam replied to the service operator.
‘Sorry, I didn’t get you sir?’
‘A few miles down to Watermilock from Glendridding you can find a blue Suzuki Vitara cradled in the branches of a tree overlooking some cliff into the Ullswater Lake. We are three guys inside; everyone is OK; only a broken nose. The vehicle is pretty stable on the tree. And I don’t think you can see us from the road. You may need a chopper to find us. And, listen. No rush, take your time.’
‘Please don’t panic.’

A few moments after the call got over.
‘Did I sound panicked?’ Sam looked at me.
‘No. You just talked to her as if you were sitting here and watching a Clint Eastwood movie.’ I replied.
‘Exactly!! Then why the fuck did she ask me not to panic?’
‘Shut the fuck up. Ah my nose… I need help with my nose right now. Why did you ask her not to rush? How do you know if the vehicle is stable?’ Kabeer cried again.
‘I don’t know. I didn’t want to sound like a kid crying for help. You can’t trust these guys. These days the fucking news papers even explain the emotions of the accident victims. I don’t want to feel embarrassed reading it tomorrow morning.’
‘What!! Wholly… Alex, this mother fucker…  you’re going read it only if you’re alive.’ Kabeer said as he tried to take a look at Sam.

After half an hour.
‘Hmm… I guess, I can hear a chopper now.’ I said
‘Where where?’ Kabeer sharpened his ears.
‘Me too. Don’t move.’ Sam whispered.
‘There they are!! That guy is waving at us from the window.’ Sam shouted
‘It’s a girl.’ I screamed with joy.
Kabeer didn’t seem to be excited. He pretended like talking to the girl in the chopper. ‘Hello sweetie, will you take me home with you? I am a good fucker. Please, will you?’ Kabeer quoted in a monotonous voice.
‘Shut up!’
‘Does that mean, we’re going to live?’ Kabeer questioned.
‘Shut up! She’s shouting something from the chopper. I am trying to listen.’

3 days later, at The Millers at Barking Road, East Ham, London.
We three sat around a table staring at each other after gulping down 5 rounds of Henessey. We were busy sharing the ordeal with everyone else around.
‘Kabeer! I forgot to give you something.’ Sam stood up as if to hug Kabeer. Kabeer raised his eyes from his tumbler to give him his broad smile. But to everyone's surprise he received a heavy punch from Sam on his right jaw. Kabeer went crashing down from his chair bringing the bouncer on his toe.
‘You fuckin idiot!!!’ Sam was shouting at Kabeer.
The bouncer tried blocking him from reaching Kabeer again. Everyone was taken by surprise. Sam continued, ‘That punch was for farting now and also for farting inside that fucking car every 15 minutes. Poor Alex and I sat there helplessly smelling your fart. We couldn’t even run away.’
‘I… err. It’s was not me. It could have been Alex?’ Kabeer shouted back from where he lay on the floor.
‘It smelled exactly like yours. I can never forget that smell.’