Tree, Lake and a Suzuki

A heavy bumpy jerk and violent shaking of the world around woke me up from my afternoon slumber. When opened my eyes, I found myself on the left-side front seat of Sam’s Suzuki Vitara.
‘Oh my god!! What the fuck just happened?’ I looked at the expanse of blue sky through the windscreen. I could feel the sudden chill of the cold wind blowing on my neck from the broken window on my left side. I couldn’t see no road anymore.

‘Oh Jesus!! I am bleeding… My nose.’ Kabeer cried from the back seat.
‘Good to know that you both are you alive. Why the fuck didn’t you wear the seat belt?’ Sam shouted at Kabeer from the driver’s seat.
‘What happened?’ I questioned again.
‘We have finally reached The Lake District but, listen carefully, don’t dare to move your ass. My best guess is that we’re stuck among the branches of a tree. We may fall down into the lake below if the tree gives up. So don’t even dare to fart.’ Sam sounded like a lieutenant colonel of the British Army fighting for the WMD cause in Iraq.
‘Wholly Shit!!! You bloody mother fucker…’ Kabeer was surprised at Sam’s answer.
‘I said, don’t move.’ Sam replied in a cold and controlled way.
‘I can’t move, anyway. I guess I have a broken back as well. Oh My God!! How on earth did you get us here?’
‘I slept. I fell asleep on the wheel. I guess I had been sleeping for a while until my forehead slowly went and pressed against the horn. I woke up listening to the honking of our own car. I was a little early to apply the brakes. If not we could’ve gone straight off the cliff into the chilling lake missing all these trees.’
‘Wonderful!!! You saved our lives. Great Sam! You’re a fucking saviour.’ I streched my neck without moving my ass to have a look at the lake below. ‘It’s so beautiful.’
‘Get me out of here fucking jerks.’ Kabeer cried.
‘Shut the fuck up, don’t cry like a kid. I’m calling the emergency services.’ Sam dismissed.

Sam’s phone was already dead for the low battery; mine was in the baggage inside the boot of the car; Kabeer’s phone wasn’t working after it flew and hit the roof during the course of the accident. Sam tried fixing Kabeer’s phone as I watched the beauty of the lake and the mountains and Kabeer was mourning over his nose.

An hour passed.
‘I don’t think we’ll get that phone working. What if nobody finds us?’ Kabeer questioned.
‘We’ll sit here until someone finds us.’ I said.
‘It’s fucking cold, why don’t you switch the heater on?’ Kabeer suggested
‘Did you just say that? You crazy fuck? Didn’t I say that you’re not supposed to move even your finger, you understand? Forget about switching the engine on.’ Sam shouted.
‘Oh!!! My legs are cramped. Do you have to switch the engine on to start the heater?’
‘Some cars allow you to suck the heat out of your own ass without switching the engine on but not this one.’ Sam finally concluded that conversation.

Another hour passed.
‘Why is everyone so silent? Is anybody dead?’ I said.
‘Not yet, someone soon will be.’ Kabeer quoted.
‘Check the phone again. Do you find any signal?’
‘Nope!!’
‘Hmmm…’ I mumbled, ’The lake is so beautiful and the sunset is going to be even more beautiful.’
‘I can’t see anything from here. Explain me how it looks. At least I can see The Lake District through your eyes before I die.’ Kabeer expressed his concern.
‘It’s ringing. Phone is ringing. Everybody quiet!!’ Sam shouted.

‘Emergency services!!! Can I have your post-code please?’
‘We’re hanging from the branches of a tree and there is no post-code here, I’m afraid.’ Sam replied to the service operator.
‘Sorry, I didn’t get you sir?’
‘A few miles down to Watermilock from Glendridding you can find a blue Suzuki Vitara cradled in the branches of a tree overlooking some cliff into the Ullswater Lake. We are three guys inside; everyone is OK; only a broken nose. The vehicle is pretty stable on the tree. And I don’t think you can see us from the road. You may need a chopper to find us. And, listen. No rush, take your time.’
‘Please don’t panic.’

A few moments after the call got over.
‘Did I sound panicked?’ Sam looked at me.
‘No. You just talked to her as if you were sitting here and watching a Clint Eastwood movie.’ I replied.
‘Exactly!! Then why the fuck did she ask me not to panic?’
‘Shut the fuck up. Ah my nose… I need help with my nose right now. Why did you ask her not to rush? How do you know if the vehicle is stable?’ Kabeer cried again.
‘I don’t know. I didn’t want to sound like a kid crying for help. You can’t trust these guys. These days the fucking news papers even explain the emotions of the accident victims. I don’t want to feel embarrassed reading it tomorrow morning.’
‘What!! Wholly… Alex, this mother fucker…  you’re going read it only if you’re alive.’ Kabeer said as he tried to take a look at Sam.

After half an hour.
‘Hmm… I guess, I can hear a chopper now.’ I said
‘Where where?’ Kabeer sharpened his ears.
‘Me too. Don’t move.’ Sam whispered.
‘There they are!! That guy is waving at us from the window.’ Sam shouted
‘It’s a girl.’ I screamed with joy.
Kabeer didn’t seem to be excited. He pretended like talking to the girl in the chopper. ‘Hello sweetie, will you take me home with you? I am a good fucker. Please, will you?’ Kabeer quoted in a monotonous voice.
‘Shut up!’
‘Does that mean, we’re going to live?’ Kabeer questioned.
‘Shut up! She’s shouting something from the chopper. I am trying to listen.’

3 days later, at The Millers at Barking Road, East Ham, London.
We three sat around a table staring at each other after gulping down 5 rounds of Henessey. We were busy sharing the ordeal with everyone else around.
‘Kabeer! I forgot to give you something.’ Sam stood up as if to hug Kabeer. Kabeer raised his eyes from his tumbler to give him his broad smile. But to everyone's surprise he received a heavy punch from Sam on his right jaw. Kabeer went crashing down from his chair bringing the bouncer on his toe.
‘You fuckin idiot!!!’ Sam was shouting at Kabeer.
The bouncer tried blocking him from reaching Kabeer again. Everyone was taken by surprise. Sam continued, ‘That punch was for farting now and also for farting inside that fucking car every 15 minutes. Poor Alex and I sat there helplessly smelling your fart. We couldn’t even run away.’
‘I… err. It’s was not me. It could have been Alex?’ Kabeer shouted back from where he lay on the floor.
‘It smelled exactly like yours. I can never forget that smell.’